A Monday Confession
I have a confession to make. Brace yourself, it’s a big one. You may not believe it. But, I promise it’s 100% honest truth. You ready?
My life is not perfect.
Phew, I’m glad I got that off my chest. I’ve been trying. I mean look at my Facebook. I have a beautiful family. I never post a picture of myself without a smile. I have a wonderful, helpful, supportive amazingly attractive husband (and no he didn’t pay me to say that but I do have my eye on this necklace…). I have great parents. Fun siblings (have you seen my brother’s posts about my couch bed/living room decor? Because, that probably deserves its own blog). And, loving inlaws. I have a nice, comfortable house that’s sometimes clean (I try). I have friends- lots of them- heck I think I’m in the 300s and that’s not even every single person I ever once waved to across Target (close though).
But, guess what? I’m not always happy every single solitary moment. I’m not always patient. My voice is not always soft and inviting. I don’t always say the right things in social settings. My relationships are not all smoothe and easy (in fact I would say most are not- shout out Annie for staying friends with me even when I’m being a jerk- almost 20 years of friendship- I guess it’s bound to happen once in a while). I’ve struggled with my weight. I’ve struggled with feelings of self worth. I’ve been the target of rumors. I’ve been cast off by friends. I guess what I’m trying to say is that *I* am not perfect.
Let’s say that again. I, as a person, am not perfect. I make mistakes. I do things or say things that sometimes make it hard for others to like me much less love me. I struggle.
My guess is that you (yes, *you*- one of my two regular readers;) are not perfect either. Isn’t it a relief? To know that you are not alone. Sometimes, it’s easy to think, “I am the worst person in the world. I am the only one who does this or feels this way.” But, that is not truth. Those feelings do not come from God and I will not wallow in them. However, I am coming to embrace my imperfections, because that’s what makes me me.
I will apologize to you 18 times if I inadvertently give you the stomach flu (seriously, I’m sorry guys- like all of you. I feel like that was karma for all my avoidance of puky people for the past two years). I will probably apologize to you four weeks later about something I said or did that you didn’t even notice but has been plaguing me. I will sometimes assume that you know how I’m feeling even when I don’t tell you (this is a focus for self improvement currently). I will worry that you’re mad at me if you haven’t texted me back in a couple days because- well, you know, you don’t have a life. Beyond all that, I will try to be there for you, always.
But, sometimes, I need you to be there for me too. Sometimes, I need to say “I’m hurting” and it doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter if it was you or something else or quite frankly nothing. In those moments, all I need is for you to stand there and say “you aren’t perfect, but I love you anyway.”
Note to reader: if you’re like me you probably beat yourself up 20 times a day (maybe more like 1,000). Negative self talk comes naturally and it’s a hard habit to break. I wrote this blog post a while ago but then didn’t have time to post it. I couldn’t think of what picture went with this until I did the following exercise and I suggest you do it too. Draw yourself. Start at the top and label everything you see wrong physically or emotionally. Be as kind as you are in your head (read not very). Label it how you see yourself. Now, draw yourself again. Look at all the negative words you wrote and replace them with positive ones. Whenever you want to tell yourself you’re useless, unloved, hateful, ugly, unwanted, (I could go on, I’m really good at this whole negativity thing), look at your list. Remind yourself, you are worthy, loveable, good, wanted, and most importantly created by God. He loves you and He wants you to love others *and* yourself.