Someone’s status: “I just spent the last week throwing up, I’m so glad it’s over.”
My usual response in some variation: “We just had that, it was awful, it took me three weeks to recover. I hope you feel better soon!”
Whenever someone shares pain, I immediately try to relate. It’s not because I think my struggle is worse or more relevant or that I’m trying to compare. My instinct is to create a bond through empathy. Sometimes I wonder if that intent comes through. Maybe, I just sound really self involved. Like everything has to be about me.
What is empathy? Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling through shared experience or imagination. For example, I have not lost a close friend or family member through death, but I can imagine how hard it will be when I do and I feel the sorrow when someone close to me does. This is different from sympathy in that when you’re sympathetic you feel sorry *for* someone, empathy is feeing sorry *with* them. The way I do this is through sharing my experiences.
I would never in my heart try to compare my suffering to anyone else’s. I have my difficulties but, instead of whining (which in the past I have done plenty of- come on I know some of you are nodding vehemently), I’m trying to embrace my shortcomings, trials, and tribulations and offer them for others who are also struggling- maybe much more than I. However, I will probably continue to try to share in other’s pain through empathy. Please understand that my, “I’ve gone through X so I know how you’re feeling,” is not an attempt to one up you. Just because some people struggle more does not mean that someone who struggles with less, suffers less. I do not judge others for their own pain and how they deal with it. We are all doing the best we can. Some do it better than others. Sure. But, no one is perfect and no one can do it better all the time.
I’ve been reading Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning in which he makes this statement:
“Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the ‘size’ of human suffering is absolutely relative.”
He goes on to describe several situations in which the prisoners of a concentration camp saw others’ suffering, which seemed less than their own and longed for it. For example, they saw men in a normal prison and thought how lucky those men were. Yet, I’m sure if you’d asked the prisoners if they felt lucky, 10 out of 10 would deny that particular feeling. Though suffering is relative, in the moment, the suffering individual feels pain. That pain, big or small to an outsider, can consume him. It is then the person’s choice what he does with that suffering. Which could bring me to the idea of redemptive suffering but I’ll just point you in the direction of Frankl and tell you it’s an enlightening read.
So, know, when I say “I feel you,” I’m not diminishing your pain but rather trying to share in it. Your kids are being little brats today? I can relate. You’ve dealt with some depression or anxiety? I can relate. You’ve been sick? I can relate. You’re dealing with financial hardship, relationship issues, miscommunications, or downright bad luck? I can relate. Does that mean my troubles are the same as yours? Does that mean they’re worse? Or that yours are somehow less valid because I share in your experience? No, no, and definitely not.
We all suffer. The way I show that I care is through empathy and shared experiences. So, when you tell me your child broke her arm, I will probably relay the story of two broken arms in the span of two weeks (yeah, that really happened). I am not trying to trump your distress. I simply want you to know, I’ve walked in your shoes, I’ve been there, and maybe knowing that I survived will help you push through it too.
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Empathy is perfect for moms. Especially since we’re isolated at least half the time in our own homes, its so nice to know you’re not actually alone in your trials. Plus the alternative is people trying to ‘fix’ your problems, which is so rarely helpful.
Ps. Love the book tie in!
I have a tendency to want to offer advice even when it’s not asked. I think that’s a natural instinct but I’ve noticed how not helpful and tried to use more words of encouragement instead of words of fixing. So instead of saying “Have you tried x?” I try to say “That sounds really hard, I wish there was some way I could help!” It’s interesting when you really start to think about how you communicate and how you could do it better. There’s always room for improvement!